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Join Angela and Sage on a epic adventure on finding themselves and being free from a cruel world of fighting and death. Will there past be to much to build a stable relationship? or will they work through the tribulations? this is a adult story mixed with fantasy and dystopian universe . tune in now ☝  updates every week

Join wattpad and add me Jamie Lexxon


Hey👋 To start off writing has helped me through a lot but I have never had the confidence that writing is fit for me there’s so many challenges out there for literature and journalism. Its been a couple times i’ve stop and put down my pen or closed my laptop .the support I have on WordPress means so much to me Thank you so much😔🙏 Thank you all for reading and liking my post . I’ll be continuing the City Of Ruins story. If you really love my writing as much as I and it helps you through a busy day then hey download wattpad if you have the app then you can add and follow me, check in for new parts 😈👇👇👇 my goal is to get at least 40 followers in the next two months . AGAIN THANK YOU SO MUCH YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME 😊😊😊😊

WAVES (Final Draft )😁

Water from the Waves crashed against the cliff walls .The splashing of the wave  echoing throughout Sage ears. The birds above called to their young, to box in their prey. Meanwhile sage combat boots slipped on the mud riddled climb more times than  he could count  as he continued his trek up the wall. His finger’s digging in harder in the moist earth for a secure hold. As the fiery  flames of the sun licked at his back and sweat tickled his upper lip. He was content to have to decide on wrapping his walnut locks in a famous “man bun”.  He hadn’t  got a chance to put on any hiking wear so he was Freshed out in a skin tight tee and camo shorts. By now he knew his short’s were ruined with grass stains. his jaw clenched as he moved along the side of the cliff .Gripping and fighting for any open space he could to reach his destination. The top where he knew Angela was practicing her swordsmanship  skills .His arm’s burned at the next climb,gulping down the ache in his bicep’s he carried on.  Angela .ruthless .bad ass.

It wasn’t long before he reached the top of the cliff ,when he did his  sights were set on her form.  Angela was in a stance he knew well . her wool made katana  a shield in front of her as she paced back and forth .Her cherry lips set in a straight line as her midnight silky hair dangled  in a braid to her butt.  She doubled crossed it with black string so that it wouldn’t get in her way while she practiced. That’s how much of a perfectionist she was.She wore her practice clothes from the armory .thick leggings adored by a ruffled shirt that stretched to her  skinny wrist and a satin vest studded with gold thorns, In her last name initial.“K” for kyoto . Sage crouched over to catch his breath taking in the scene before him. Angela was not your average best friend . She was his long time trainer ever since the day they  stumbled upon each other and  she beat the hell out of him in the arena. The arena was a test of will power and strength.a test to see if you knew what you were doing with your weapon’s .a way to know if you’re authentic .the steel ironed cage making it hard for anyone who enters to get out . There was only one way to get out and that was to make your opponent unable to stand back was a vicious tactic but it kept the organization in line,made the soldier’s know who was in charge. Made us undefeatable.

The fight between Sage and Angela was the fight to the death. It had the other soldier’s paying attention to the next pair in the ring instead of the stale bread that was placed on the silver trays  for dinner every evening at 7 like clockwork . The fact that Sage was a newbie that  had  immortality  was a curse more than a blessing to Him. Because Angela’s fist was heavy handed .She paid no heed to the blood already pouring from his mouth. She stomped his leg’s to make sure he wouldn’t move.His consciousness was fading in and out when Angela finally stopped kicking him in his stomach he was sure that his ribs were cracked. Angela glared down at him with disgust. It was almost like she was used to the feeling of winning .There was no smile, no jump of victory for herself she was just emotionless .she was the first to leave the ring walking into the dark somewhere. With his regenerating abilities it  took him a whole 2 weeks to recover from the fight.  

Since then him and angela’s formed a sort of bond.he wouldn’t call it “friends” but it was one where she liked helping him learn the ways of the organization.she explained to him  the reason he was still aloud to be here after losing was because angela has never been defeated by none of the organizations people. She was the best of the best for them.

Sage stretched out his shaky limbs he  waved at Angela but there was no reply she was too deep into her training  “hey””he screamed over the waves at the bottom, his  voice carrying itself to her.

 Angela moved  in a different stance now she practiced with her arm’s angled forward ready to thrust the sword through to her destination.she looked up suddenly a smile playing on the bottom of her lips. Clicking her tongue she said “ look who it is“ she parted her feet . “why are you here ?” she steadied her katana, Balancing it as she swung “the wool’s lighter than my sword “ she mumbled to herself 

“Would you rather train by yourself?”he leaned back on his heels not really in the mood for Angela’s mood swings. He rather  be home snuggled in his cover’s. Listening to his soothing rain music lulling him to sleep.

She shrugged “ I wouldn’t of texted you if that was the case ” she swung,missing a seagull landing from flight by an inch .

Stuffing his hand in his pocket he pulled out a pack of marlboro lights “see,I would of stayed and slept all day but you text me  early this morning to meet you here” searching for his lighter he pulled out his pocket’s “where is it “

Angela paused she side eye’d him. Raising her hand out like a child wanting a piece of candy. 

Flicking his lighter he shielded the wind from the warm flame . inhaling the tobacco he breathed in a deep draft. The strong smoke hitting the back of his tonsils and circling back to his mouth. “Awh ,man that never gets old “ he looked to the side chuckling at Angela as he handed her the abstract lighter and cig.

Sage watched the bird’s fly by as his cigarette smoke misted his vision . the wind was cool on his sweaty back. His face set in a relaxed state he moved  past the training square. The white lines marking the border’s.

“What are you doing” she said with a cigarette tucked in her mouth.

“Unlike you when i have nothing else to do ,i like to  focus on the landscape im in” 

“What’s the environment got to do with any of this” she pointed her finger towards the training bracket’s and sword’s.

“I’m gonna regret this later but “he sat on the moist grass “what do you mean ,the landscapes what motivates you “he craned his neck looking back at Angela she was staring at him in confusion “ you’ve got to be kidding me you’ve never sat down and appreciated the landscape or just took it in”

“No,why would i it’s nothing but rocks and dirt “ she followed his eyes towards the sky.

“So you’ve never ever “he said in astonishment “wow,no wonder your such a-”

“A what ?” she repeated

Sage giggled “a amazing citizen of the state “he lied 

“Are you ever going to train or are you going to gaze at the dead sky and birds or do some other weird shit “ she blew the last of her cigarette  flicking the butt over the cliff. “Get your lazy ass up Sage ,i’m not the one who needs training here”

Sage brushed his pant’s off walking towards her “i’m not an invincible robot “

“But you are immortal or so you say… what a load of crap” 

Sage was used to Angela in her harsh words instead of getting angry and ruining his day thinking of her replies all day with her smart mouth he got even. “First”he motioned his tatted  finger “i am not immortal “ shrugging he said “i just have unlimited healing powers unlike you who does…what exactly ?” he shot back at her 

Angela straightened herself she angled her head to the side “i beat your sorry ass pretty damn good last time i checked “ she shrugged moving to the side picking at him so more “regenerating abilities ,immortality all that’s bullshit and i don’t need it “she got closer to his ear “you won’t be able to touch me . “she said slowly twirling away from him with her sword. Sage noticed that when he and angela trained .she was more like a child then the relentless fighter at the arena the first day they met.she was different.

Sage grinned as he got a perfect view of her rounded ass this way. So he just ignored her “yeah well you gonna fight me or talk” at the end of the day he was a man. Who had needs and angela man was she a teaser. He laughed it off focusing on the chirps in the air .

“Can i not do both” she made eye contact with him. hazel meeting moss.waves crashing beneath us.she was testing him like she always does. 

He slid his hands in his camo short’s .Why exactly did she text him about training if the competition for the promotion  was in the next two months . 

 “hey, why did you text  me so early i mean i didn’t even have time to taste my bagel, i just spread my miracle cream and crammed it into my mouth  I ran here so quick”   

Angela stopped in her midst of practicing. She gave me a side eye .exhaling hard she stepped  towards the end of the cliff.  as she said her next words.She turned towards me “I was elected to go to war, “ she said confidently. Her back straightened “so you’ll have a new training partner “

Before sage could ask she held out her palm 

“Don’t ask who’s gonna be your next partner cause i don’t know, the organization have’t told me anything yet”

“I just hope their nice and petite..having you as a partner for so long may have made me dull in some areas “

“Your disgusting”

“Mmm not the first time i’ve heard it ..  when did you find out this good news “

She was about to say something smart but she turned it in for a shrug “a month ago”

Thinking back to  last month i had no assignments i was up early every day like an espresso shot why didn’t she tell me then.we spent every second together in .”soooo why didn’t you tell me “he got in front of her 

She sidestepped him “you ever notice how many questions you ask?”

“I’ve been told an estimate “

“And you still ask so many “


“Great” she focused on her thrusts for a while before she answered “ it’s  none of your business “ 

“Your training me which part of that is not my business, if my trainer leaves to take care of a mission” he dead panned. Sage got in her way again waiting until she replied .

Angela grunted placing her sword back in her bracket “are you ever gonna train or are you just going to annoy me “

“Why cant i do both “he smiled at her 


Water from the Waves crashed against the shore walls .The sloshing sound echoing my ears. My feet slipped on the mud riddled mountains  more times than  I could count  as I continued my trek up the wall. My hands digging in harder to the moist earth for a secure hold. As the sun woke up and sweat tickled my upper lip. I was content to have to decide on wrapping my chest nut locks in a famous “man bun”.  I hadn’t  got a chance to put on any hiking wear so I was freshed out in a black tee and camo shorts. By now I knew my short’s were ruined with grass stains. My jaw clenched as I moved along the side of the cliff .digging into any open space I could to get to the top. The top where I knew Angela was practicing her swordsmanship  skills .my arm’s burned at the next climb. I gulped down the pain and carried on. My angela .my spirit .My best lover.

It wasn’t long before I reached the top of the cliff  and when I did my sights were set on her form.  Angela was in a stance I knew so well her wool made katana  a shield in front of her as she paced back and forth .Her full lips set in a straight line as her black  silky hair , tied in a braid to her butt. She wore her practice clothes from the armory .black leggings adored by a ruffled shirt that stretched to her  skinny wrist and a satin vest studded with her last name initial.”K” for kyoto .To me angela wasn’t so much like your average best friend . She was my long time lover ever since the day I stumbled upon her  and she threw me off the helicopter. The fact that I had  9 lives was a curse more than a blessing to me. In Angela’s care I’ve died twice, once when we took a college trip to parachuting practice which was  6,000 ft in the air and I tried to flirt with her. She threw me and my parachute off the helicopter. The last time when I mistook her for her twin sister at my family restaurant  and tried to kiss her she  smiled at me and slit my throat with a butter knife. Shaking my head I waved at Angela “hey”I screamed over the waves at the bottom, my voice carrying itself to her.

 Angela moved  in a different stance now she practiced with her arm’s angled forward ready to thrust the sword through to her destination.she looked up suddenly a smile playing on the bottom of her lips. Clicking her tongue she said “ look who it is“ she said as she looked me up and down  she frowned “not in the right attire to be training today” she said as she steadied her katana. She balanced it as she swung “the wool’s lighter than my sword “ 

“Would you rather yourself accidentally kill me again?”

She shrugged “ that offer could settle ,but your not in uniform” she swung,missing a seagull landing from flight by an inch .

I gave myself a once over . “ im not really in the mood for it. I giggled side stepping her as she swung the sword again

that’s the whole point of training” she dead panned giving me a smirk .her  sword went back to a low position

I slid my hands in my camo short’s .why exactly did she text me about training if the competition for the promotion  wasn’t  even close to being here yet. It was in the the next two months . I walked  towards her my feet printing the shallow grass with sand. “Angela why did you text  me so early i mean i didn’t even have time to taste my bagel..i just spread my miracle cream and crammed it into my mouth  I ran here so quick”   

Angela stopped in her midst of practicing. She gave me a side eye .exhaling hard she walked towards the end of the cliff. Her body tensed as she said her next words.She turned towards me her black hair whipping in the breeze. “I was elected to go to war, “ she said someberly. 

I heard her words but I wished to hell I hadn’t .My heart thumped erratically in my veins traced my knuckles. I couldn’t breathe .All I could think about was angela leaving me. My smile faded. “When did this happen?”

Angela was still turned when she said the next words “a month ago” 

 Thinking back to  last month i had no assignments i was free as an early bird so why the hell didn’t she tell me then.we spent every second together .In second’s i was beside her .breathing harshly i grabbed her hands  her sword falling silently to the grass .i forced her to look at me “come on angie’s why didn’t you tell me . where are you supposed to be going  ?  i don’t get it “

Angela forced my hands from here but they wouldn’t budge .Her maroon eyes narrowed into slits. “Let go “ she mumbled 

If it was any other day I would listen not trying to test her skills but today i was pissed. No pissed wasn’t the word i was infuriated . the fact she hid it from me for this long. Her best friend. “I thought we was closer than this” 

She clenched her teeth .averting my gaze 

“Angie” I screamed .As critical as this conversation was, I was in no mood for her silence.

Angela stared at me .Her cold hands smooth on my rough one’s . “i didn’t want you to know . you couldn’t prepare for your next assignment if i told you i was going on a mission you would worry about me and not get it done,  then where would we be?” she asked  

She had a valid point. it made sense I admitted but it was  bullshit .  “oh please we would of  handled it when i got back  just like we handle everything else.anything that get’s thrown at us  we handle together.” i  gave her an incredulous look letting her hands drop from mine  “ i can’t believe you “ i said moving back from her. The empty space between us expanding “ second question .what the hell is t-this mission .i stuttered

She blew her breath, her black hair falling back in place on her sweat beaded forehead . her full lips upturned “i’m going to be the team lead” she raised her stubborn head looking at me with diction “and i’m glad about it so i don’t need you here fighting me on this for god sake were best friends not lovers “  

I froze there was only one mission I knew from scratch needed a team lead. The red light district . the mission with gang violence and drugs . the power . but as far as I knew Davis had a cap on it . he said he had everything handled then why was the woman i love being called over. “It’s fine i’ll take it instead” 

Angela narrowed her eye’s “what the hell are you on about .how can you take the lead when you’re already on a rooster for this week. You sound ridiculous “

“What happened to the lead they already had on the mission “

She gave me an idioctic look “what do you think happened? Whoever it was died “she said motioning her hand like a sword cutting through her rib cage . her humor died on her lips as she said “the first one anyway”

“Whaaat “it never took more than once to complete a mission in the last 12 years we’ve been working with the organization  . if it did it meant the mission was a level E those were the hardest missions sometimes it took more than a month .”tell me you didn’t offer yourself to be the lead ” 

“Yeah “she whispered to herself 

“Why the hell would you do that . no you’re not going to “i flipped my phone on scanning my finger for access .i was two seconds from calling the office when angela took my phone and snapped it.” hey, what the hell ang-”

“Stop whining like a baby ill be fine .i was raised for this shit or have you forgotten where i came from” she tested me. Her eye’s boring the truth into me    

“This is different “ i shook my head viciously “no this is insane”

She grabbed her sword from the ground .brushing the dirt from her leggings “welcome to my world,dork”

This was unacceptable . “how could our time end like this” i grumbled 

Angela continued her practice  bending her knees , shifting the sword in back of her then bringing it up front .She looked as though she was dancing with it . “i’m not in a coffin yet” she rose with the sword.

My reply was lost on my tongue. All I could was  the woman I  was falling in love with over the past couple months. “Angela” I whispered more to myself than her . I was mistaken about our relationship with true feelings .I thought that was going to be reciprocated . Angela steadied her sword .Her sword her world is all she cared about. It was just an inconvenience. I shook my head trying to get the blurry images out of my head. Angela snuggled her pillow as she slept on my shoulder as the rain pattered on the window of the foggy windows of my beat up red truck.her face blossoming with comfort  and security .She was strong enough to break anyone’s bones but I got the chance to see her unarmed. I thought I was special .

  I gave her a crooked grin. Narrowing my honey moss eye’s .my thought’s wouldn’t let me throw her away . “your right ” i laughed harshly. 

At that she turned her head “shut up… “geesh you can be such a dork at times “ 

My body shook and i knew the onslaught of tears were coming

Before she could say anything else. I was stripping off my clothes . Shirt then short’s. I pulled my hair tie out. chestnut locks obscured my view of her as ran to the edge of the cliff the path of dewy grass leading the way “going for a swim i yelled as i  ran .her voice faded out of my head as i pounded the grass with my feet.feeling the breeze whip through my thick dreads , sting my pupils . I positioned myself  for a dive . the water hit my body first. Submering me in it .Salt water had a bitter taste in my mouth as I swam to the bottom surface a  rainbow of colors  swam past in the opposite direction . I screamed not being able to hold it in anymore. I screamed with the current .My body was being pulled  and snapped each and every way .i didn’t care. I wanted to be gone, I wanted to disappear . from life from this world.i wanted to suck in all the salt and die from dehydration . I didn’t want to come up for air. I wanted to drown.drown my feeling’s of Angela down with me . I died again that afternoon  striking the third time I’ve been killed by best friend.

Home sweet home

 Women have men ever thought to realize the lack of intelligience  they’s almost as if the heaven’s  put them on this earth to be our worst halves.the part who is deemed to never fall into love’s gracious arms .their  here just to pick and prickle underneath our femine skin, as if they couldnt do any fucking worse by being on this earth and belittling us , for our high  vocals and our delicate idea’s ,our humorous expectations and our  indecisive  decisions they belittle us ,make us look weak make us cave to fear and humilation and embarassement,

Because they have it all they have the physical strength that we possess mentally but can not use because we are seen as nothing more than play things and whores who open their legs for pleasure men don’t see our worth ,don’t see how we try to achieve things promptly and more efficiently than they do . no, men only see our curvaceous bodies dancing about like a siren’s song. They see our moist lips and eager eye’s awaiting the next entanglement, they have no respect for our status or path…

 evening was beginning to fall into night the soft hues of magenta shadowed with a tint of orange. Outlining the oak tree outside of Terry’s crescent window sill , street lights awakening with a soft hum to them. one by one with a glow of green.Terry’s fingers flew fast on her keyboard as she typed out what she felt.what she’s been practicing to write over and over as she fumbled with the words inside her brain. 

“Okay girl you got this mama didnt raise no fool” she squeezed her eye’s shut silently wishing that the words she was mulling over  would magically appear on her multi colored mac  laptop. “Aha “ she said as she opened her eye’s 

Right at the exact moment her mother erupted from the door like a mad man. 

“Ma” she screamed halfway off her chair, her wedges falling from under her at the intrusion.

Her mom searched her room, her blue eyes finally settling on her daughter “girl, what in the hell are you doing ?” she asked, pointing her finger to her daughter underneath her desktop. 

Terry slowly got up brushing the dust crumbs from out of her mane of curls “ma i thought you was the opp’s”

Her mom let out a hysterical laugh the rumble vibrating through out her belly “oh my god.terry how dare you refer me to the ops “ she looked back behind her and shrugged her tiny shoulders facing forward she stood tall “i am just surprised my baby girls back from college. I mean when were you ever gonna tell me “ she gave out a sigh “ “my kids huh”

Terry adjusted to the scene in front of her .yes it’s not every day you see someone back from college just to finish a stupid time consuming paper on today’s society. She hung her head limp “maaaaaa” she whispered, speaking more clearly she threw herself on her childhood bed.the pillows fluffed out to the usual texture.her legs hung off her bed her wedges clipping the side of the metal under frame. Her body tensed at the comfortability.“ma I’m not back for long . i just couldn’t-”

Her mom put her hands up not that terry could see since she was faced the other way “ terry melinda wright” she said as she patted her daughter on the leg “get your little frail ass up and speak to me like a the women i’ve birthed out this vagina and raised “ 

“Ewww ma” terry said as she played with her nail’s

“Well it’s true child know turn around and talk to me”

“Ma” terry protested.she swung her arms in front of her in a childlike gesture

“Now girl before i haul her ass of this bed”

Terry remembered too many bad days of her and her brother not listening.she rushed to sit up “yes ma’am “ she mumbled to herself.

“Good “ her mom smiled as she easily ran in her  white stilettos to give her bright eyed daughter a hug. Her smile so big her white pearls were showing. She held her daughter tight as a first “awww” she said as she came up for air to look at how beautiful her daughter was.terry’s curls were tiny and loose masking her face and soft caramel skin.her mouth full and upturned ,her long and slender neck dotted with beauty marks and freckles  

“My pretty girl “her mom said as she grinned once more, combing her fingers through Terry’s long curls “I’ve missed you so much your brother’s driving this old lady crazy” she squeezed Terry tighter on the last part. 

Terry realized this close her mother’s hair was just a shade more gray than last season when she came for christmas back when it was room temperature eggnog tipped with rum and stuffed with marshmallows. Dancing and karaoke all night until everyone ran off to bed to watch movies together.her rebel of a brother included. Lynn’s voice were an octave more smoother and her hands was like sitting beside a fire  when it was cold and rainy outside warm, home and at peace .here where she belonged she could be held in her mom’s arm’s for an eternity just in their own little world  and not at school where it was survival of the smartest .fighting to be seen in the classe’s and hallways .the kids so crowded she has to push and cram in between them just to get to her honor’s physics. She let her mom encase her for a little while longer laying her head down on her shoulder.”ma you don’t know how badly i want to come here after class and just sit and talk to you and forget about my goals”

“Mmmhm” Lynn mumbled to her daughter she was too gone with the feeling of having her back in her arm’s too much to care of what was right and wrong. 

“I don’t want to go back ma let me stay ” terry knew she was creeping over the edge but damn it with school she wanted a break .

Lynn pulled her back” terry know i know good and well i didn’t bust my ass at two jobs for you to just up and quit”she demanded as she kept combing through her daughter’s hair “you know my answer to that” she said sweetly as  bee’s honey “i won’t let you quit “

“But ma i thought you wanted me to come home more often i can’t do that at this school it’s too far from holly springs”she complained 

 lynn finger motions stopped and she slowly slid her fingers down her daughter’s arm to enterwine their hands.she  grabbed her daughter’s hand blue eye on hazel one’s she  walked them towards the bed. they both sat down at the same time the mattress submitting to their combined weight 

“Know this terry melinda wright”

Terry looked away chewing her bottom lip “ma stop saying my full name i get it this is the big speech” she said as she expressed the words with her air quotes 

Lynn shook her head “then shut up and let me say it” her mother shot back at her with her head bent sideways “now listen baby times are hard and you need to get your ass back in school “lynn patted terry leg giving her that i’m a mom and mom makes the decisions around here look.

At first Terry was shocked because she was expecting more than that from her mother. Who lectured her throughout her whole teenage years. I mean this is the woman who gave her an award winning speech when she and her friends were caught with her first can of beer behind the school bus. she let out a chuckle bracing herself to get off the bed.“and that’s all ?” she asked 

“It’s all if you listen”lyn said as she to got off the bed shaking off her limb legs 

“Ma in the most respectful manner i was hoping you had just a bit more “

“That right there is all you need “ she said laying it out flat

“But it was like short ”terry scrunched up her mouth “i thought you was coming with like a whole life time story or something” 

“You youngins these day’s thinking  for yourself and what not “ lynn said as she brushed terry off. 

Yes I am That “Fat Girl”

As I slowly watch my tan robe drop to the floor  in a silky platter I hesitantly bring my eyes upward when I do I know I’ll see it I’ll see the rolls and the stretch marks the languid breast. The section of  plump belly. I bring my hands forward to cover myself with them .Holding on to my handlebars tight enough to see a drop of red taint the floor. I look forward to see what I’ve been running away from when I tuck my stomach in my new Fashionova jeans smooth and tight and just enough fabric to hide my scars . 

Getting ready for the fight within me the blood rushed to my head . Inhaling a breath a looked up and saw it .I saw me I saw luscious brown skin and Carmel lips saw long arms marked with stretch marks  and chicken thighs. I didn’t have the gap between my legs like the victoria secret models . I had straight loose fat and uneven coloring in my cells .they say your body is a canvas but at this time and second I didn’t even feel like art I felt like an insect the nastiest and vilest one on the planet . well maybe not cause even then an insect probably weighted less than me . 

“Disgusting” I mumbled to myself under my teeth as I shook my head my brown curls went flying about my face but they couldn’t hide me . they couldn’t hide her this being in front of me . My. Hazelnut eyes shied away from her looking about my room the curtain of  golden led lights that shone with just enough of shade to balance out the light from my lamps. The Queen sized from bed with the Gold and black frames and pink comforter set that I had gotten from my mother before she passed . my rugs were more gray than the rest of my room I laughed to myself gray was a good way of describing me I was not in any way fascinating or gripping . i was plain and basic all i did was work and read my books. Hell my books probably were more riveting  than me I was just a nerd .  my walls were decorated with models . skinny models I should say models who looked down on me with their tiny frames and lengthy legs . their tan skins and always beach ready smiles . I glared at myself in the mirror rushing to take my robe off the polished floor before I glanced up and saw my flaps sagging down  protecting myself once again from her . so yes I do have a weight problem one that told a story in a way . a story of loss and regret a story of me .

Between The War’s

I scrubbed at the crease of my eye’s removing my mascara with the dry skin on the front of my palms. I was beginning to get tired but somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew I couldn’t lose focus because if I did I would lose her .i would lose the angel that sat in the middle of the playground stacking her multicolored balls with her tiny hands. Hands I’ve felt wipe my tear’s away when I needed the gesture most.Hands that have brought me to my knees with the smallest flick of a finger. The hands that could cup the blazing cells of the sun and not be burned.The same Hands that Grasped my denim skirt as her small bones flexed on her knuckles. Gripping on to the fabric with frustration and anger. Her thoughts too scrambled to speak, as I walked out into the rain, into the world of loss and grief. Smooth and Soft but not a shield to pain.

Mia pulled her ivory dress down a bit as she crouched down, moving around carefully with her own two feet .she placed the balls back in the box only to dump them back out. Her chocolate brown eye’s gleaming with excitement every time she placed a ball back in the sea bucket. 

I knew the risks of being here but my feet wouldn’t take me anywhere else.It felt like every time I tried to move on and forget I was rooted back to the same place. The source of my regret. Mia.

 Watching mia play was all I wanted to do . Hiding behind my daughter like always as if it would clean my conscious of the horrible things she’s witnessed by being in my care. Her own mother. The only parent she’s had. Who hadn’t failed her until it was too late until the deed was done and there was no turning back, The angels weren’t forgiving the sin’s I’ve committed anytime soon. I, puffed out a breath. My eye’s moistened when I looked at my graceful little girl. Her black and brown curls bounced on her shoulders, obscuring her face. Her nose small and narrow, and her lips tugged into a small pout. I watched her . wondering what it would be like to ease my way over to her on my shaky leg’s and sit next to her. Just to be in the same space as she was and inhale her scent. let it roam wild inside of me. Relieve me of my anguish. Ease my bone’s into submission.

Would she offer to play with her, and hand me a ball or would she grab them all up in her fragile arms and run to her parents not knowing the one she’s left behind.  I slouched back on my rusted red bench, it was weird that that’s what it was now . “my bench” I’ve been coming here for the past year .  watching and waiting for the right moment if there ever was one. My butt tinged and I reached in my pocket pulling out my blackbery. 

I traced out the pattern on my phone “yes” I exhaled 

Jesse’s voice rang out through my phone “ where the hell are you ?”

By now I knew it was a statement rather than a question, jess had to already know where I was. How I was wallowing in my loss and grief. “ I just needed to see her again “I mumbled out as my eye’s watched mia forget about her toys and waddle to the slides. her pink boots imprinted in my brain . I sat up holding my jacket closer more for support than warmth. my warmth was running around on the playground, without a worry in the world. 

Jess exhaled, her voice laced with concern “I thought we talked about this … you can’t keep doing this every weekend lisa “ 

“ doing what ?” I said quietly as i  played dumb 

“You know what “ she deadpanned 

“I know ..It’s just I needed to see her one last time “ the words rushed out in jumbles as my arm’s shook , I placed my hand on top to try to get it under control “I can’t live without her .. I need to be here with her just in case …she needs me “ my heart raced as I rubbed my palms up and down my jeans. my lips quivering with guilt and pain 

Jess blew out a breath, her voice hesistant “ Lisa “ she paused “ it’s going to be okay, just come over and we’ll figure it out “ 

My eye’s shuttered closed as a lone tear slipped out. I knew she was being cautious because she didn’t want me to do anything “I might regret”

“I just don’t want you to do anything you might regret, “ jess said over the line as I whispered the same words to myself, I, licked the chap off my lip’s 

My hands gripped my jacket tighter “ I can’t leave her “

“ you don’t need to be there right now, not like this honey please just come over, I and turner will be here for you ,”

I nodded in agreement “ I should but”, Jesse kept her words short but


Turner and Lisa.Both my guardian partners  as much as they were my therapists. I didn’t want to be anywhere else but right here with mia. “ I’ll come over later” I whispered 

“Lisa, you need to be with us ‘’ she said it as firm as a  strong fist 

“I …”

Jess interrupted me “ hush, honey im calling turner if anyone can talk some sense into you it’s him “

The call ended and I continued to watch mia. any other day I would pack my things and be off to Jesse’s but today , today I just needed my mia . It was when Mia ran back over to the sandbox that I let my eyes wander over to her adoptive parents. they helped each other spread the patterned sheet across the shallow grass. The woman with the auburn hair piled on top of her head with a crescent clip holding the shaggy strands in place. smiling and laughing with her husband. His face full of delight every time she glanced at mia. Their family.

My phone rang again, already knowing who it was I picked it up. an argument slowly transcribing in my head. “I kno-”

“You got to be kidding me “ turner screamed in my ear .his voice rough and erratic. “ Lisa, what the hell, do you think you’re doing, huh? no. wait. matter of fact do not even answer that. get the hell up and leave“ he said in one big pant 

My tongue got stuck in my throat ‘i-” 

“Lisa now “ he demanded 

I looked around the park, she was throwing her balls in her bucket again . “i-”


“ What am I supposed to do, “I said as I snatched my jacket tighter around me. Turner had to know my pain by now, He had seen it first hand. The night the nightmares and the scream’s gotthe best of me. my blood was dripping on the florescent tiles the bathroom. seen what lengths I would go to just to be gone. my guilt and shame erased with the existence of me. “I hurt every day because of this, “I said as my chest tightened 

“We know Lisa, but let’s face the truth right now, the truth is she’s gone “ 

Hard and fast . my body shuddered as my head reeled. Scene’s flooding my broken memories the image’s on the new’s. the broken plates shattered on the floor. The rain pounding on the roof. The bodies found in the river. The pink boots grimed with soot and dirt. I felt as though my heart stopped .maybe, it did because I couldn’t see or breathe. Turner’s voice was raspy and far away as my eyes searched for mia on the playground, my feet moved before I had the chance to recover. They took me everywhere but to mia. 

“No, no,no “ Every step I took got heavier with the truth. Every sight blinded by the loss of my most precious angel. I stumbled toward’s the slides parents and by-passers surrounding me whispering and shuffling their children from near me. I was an infection to the few kids that remained on the playground, an infection of crazy of the beginning of being a lunatic I couldn’t focus on them I had to find mia to prove myself wrong. That she wasn’t gone, she was just hiding a smile pulled at the crease of my lips ready to beam into effect when I see her, playing with the mulch or placing her ball’s in her little blue bucket. I dipped below the orange slides on my knee’s searching frantically for her small form but she never appeared. 

I chewed my bottom lip, the truth creeping around the corner and then a thought  flashed in my mind  “mia’s foster parent’s “I whispered to myself. I raced over to where I last saw them well, stalked them last and there was no trace of any picnic, the grass tall and uncut not shallow as I witnessed it a few minutes ago , before the phone call had taken I needed , and what that phone call revealed ,the dust wisped away Into the light .my knee was first they struggled not to collapse but  the weight of everything brought them down  as if someone with steeled toed boots were forcing me to the ground to repent for what I’ve done . what I’ve lost .  second was the pain the affliction of the pain inside of me ,the breath of air restricting inside of me waiting to be let go of ,released from the trap that have fallen on top of me .  third was the scream’s the one’s that began In my head only to bounce of the trees above me ,the birds flapping their wings and fleeing from the disturbance of natural order .desperation and torture seeping from my eye’s . I screamed for the past ,for Mia and for my wrong doings of her .how I could of protected, cherished her and kept her close to me .my body shook and trembled with the force of my grief and neglect the air rushing out of me.